Why Did God Choose Me For My Son?
How do you do it? How do you remind yourself that your child isn’t trying to be right all the time or pick a fight. They are just stating facts because they are literal. They see the world in black and white and there are no variations or sarcasm. He is almost 8 and high functioning. We get into a fight almost everyday because I forget he isn’t trying to argue. He is just stating the fact. He isn’t trying to be a smart mouth, he just doesn’t understand sarcasm. He isn’t trying to talk back he is just stating the black and white of the situation. I feel so lost with him right now. I don’t feel like I’ve read the right book or talked to the right therapist to be a good mother to him. I don’t see the reason why God chose me to be his mother when I don’t feel equpit to do so.
I used to believe that God chose your child. Almost like he had a waiting room of children waiting to be born. Then along came a set of parents and it was like babymatch.com central up there. You filled out your quiz and he matched you to this perfect child you would raise. Yea, there would be fights and tantrums (and the child would have them too). However, in the end love won and that child grew up happy and loving his family.
I have this battle of thoughts. One is God gave me him knowing I was strong. I would fight for him, love him, protect him and teach my son love forgives. Then there is this darker thought- the one where we don’t match up. The one where I am a failure to this precious gift. He hates me. I can see it in him when we fight. It is only after those fights I remember that his thought process isn’t the same as mine. I mean really, whose is? But his is glitched, wired differently. Why can’t I remember that before? I know it would save a lot of broken hearts and Kleenex.
But I can’t ask for a refund. I wouldn’t want one anyways. Of course I would never want a different child than him. I just want to feel like he loves me; most importantly I want him to know I love him. I just want to feel and see the reason this child was picked for me.